One of my best friends has a blog called Me On A Diet. It's a daily dose of gut-laughs, but also a very poignant read. I highly recommend it!
Anyway, his latest blog entry reminded me of something I frequently wonder if I have, at least to some degree...the dreaded condition known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Every time I think I have it, I quickly snap out of it and replace those thoughts with "no, you really ARE the most fucked up looking 'human' to walk the earth, bitch." Healthy, right?
Just yesterday, I was messing around w/my hair...lemme just interject that anyone who knows me even a little knows how thoroughly I loathe my hair, and how I've possibly created a NEW form of BDD that's focused solely on hair and head shape. I don't wanna talk about it. Except to say that while I was getting ready yesterday, I asked my husband what he would think if he saw me walking down the street - wouldn't he think, "half of that girl's head is missing! Why the FUCK is her head so tiny, and her hair so FUCKING FUCKED??? WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS???"
That's pretty much how I phrased it, too. He just looked at me with a "bitch, what in the HAY-o are you TALKING about?" sort of expression. I refused to believe that he couldn't recognize how freakish I am, and how unlike ALL OTHER HUMANS my head shape is. Oh, I should clarify that I'm growing my bangs out - I have VOWED not to quit doing it this time. I AM going to do it for the first time in my life, and somehow I think this will lead to me obsessing less about my hair, and spending less time trying to style it (while of course concealing the fact that I look more like an alien than a human if I DON'T style it).
Dudes...WOW. I mean, look at what I just wrote. Are these the ravings of a sane person? Do you see what I'm dealing with here? A LUNATIC INHABITS MY BRAIN. Well, the good news is, there's at least a part of my brain that's AWARE of the lunatic that's sharing real estate up there.
What I'm getting at is...there's a part of me (the bigger part of me, unfortunately) that really does think I'm freakish looking, and that much in the way of illusion and deception must occur before I venture out in public. I hide my tiny head by puffing up my hair...I hide my freakish fat deposits by wearing certain types of clothing or undergarments. If I let people see me WITHOUT completing all my deceitful trickery, then I will be allowing people to witness a FREAK SHOW!
This HAS to be a mild form of BDD, no? I mean, I cannot TRULY be as fucked up as I think I am...I mean, I'm aware of how shallow, silly, unproductive, and self-centered this is. I DO know that, and I don't pretend that I'm any kind of victim. I know I have a good life, good friends, good family, and all the things that really matter in life. But man...I am dogged by this exaggerated sense of my own vileness. I'm trying to cut the shit...REALLY, I am.
Keep really really trying. To the rest of us, you're gorgeous. Just really beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI'd bet it's the very things that make you feel weird & different that others perceive as a pleasing arrangement of features.
For me, I've developed a profound sense of "whatever" when it comes to how I look. I'm not completely satisfied, and some days I HATE everything I see in the mirror, but I dress it up the best I can & get on with my day.
Maybe you can work on your "whatever". ;)
awesome way to look at it...I'm totally going to try!
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