What does THIS little picture tell ya, kids??
It tells you I know how to pick up a weight and use PhotoBooth.
BUT...
It also means I really HAVE been exercising...and if you'll notice, there's nothing on my forehead...like, say, BANGS.
Foreals! I haven't lost that 20 pounds yet - I'm not even close, really - but I'm actually ON the proper path. And I haven't gone anywhere near my forehead with scissors, tempting as it may be on a regular basis.
Let's interject here - my hairline SUCKS. I've considered buying that creepy powder for people with seriously thinning hair...y'know, to make it LOOK like there's more hair there at the scalp. I'll bet THAT really fools 'em.
But let's focus on the important shit here, which is: I'm actually sticking to things the way I said I would. I've started getting into a food plan that uses lots of fresh produce and weird concoctions I never would have thought of on my own. It's been fun to cook this stuff, and what's crazy is that it actually TASTES GOOD. Amazing.
So that's going to help in the fight against "I'm getting older so now I have to eat horrible diet foods to maintain my weight" - like, REALLY help. I'm not able to "diet" anymore anyway. The drive for that went out the window after the eating disorders business - once you make it out of those waters, you tend to wonder how you ever had the energy for it in the first place. So no dieting is ever going to work for me again. If I'm getting back into better shape, it's going to be by cooking fresh foods and getting some exercise, and it's not going to be a quick fix.
The slow results don't make for an exciting blog or experience, but I think my methods are working. "My methods" also involve not turning down comfort foods when I really have a craving, but I think I'm much more okay with that than with a quick and severe drop in weight - life is just way too short to cut out the stuff that's just plain FUN to eat. Knowwhutimsayin?
Now that fall's almost here, it's getting easier for me to exercise a little more. Kinda backwards, isn't it? I think it's because it's not 400 fucking million degrees out...or maybe it's because I saw what I look like in swimwear. I'm not really questioning it, though - I'm just gonna go with it.
One of my best friends has a blog called Me On A Diet. It's a daily dose of gut-laughs, but also a very poignant read. I highly recommend it!
Anyway, his latest blog entry reminded me of something I frequently wonder if I have, at least to some degree...the dreaded condition known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Every time I think I have it, I quickly snap out of it and replace those thoughts with "no, you really ARE the most fucked up looking 'human' to walk the earth, bitch." Healthy, right?
Just yesterday, I was messing around w/my hair...lemme just interject that anyone who knows me even a little knows how thoroughly I loathe my hair, and how I've possibly created a NEW form of BDD that's focused solely on hair and head shape. I don't wanna talk about it. Except to say that while I was getting ready yesterday, I asked my husband what he would think if he saw me walking down the street - wouldn't he think, "half of that girl's head is missing! Why the FUCK is her head so tiny, and her hair so FUCKING FUCKED??? WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS???"
That's pretty much how I phrased it, too. He just looked at me with a "bitch, what in the HAY-o are you TALKING about?" sort of expression. I refused to believe that he couldn't recognize how freakish I am, and how unlike ALL OTHER HUMANS my head shape is. Oh, I should clarify that I'm growing my bangs out - I have VOWED not to quit doing it this time. I AM going to do it for the first time in my life, and somehow I think this will lead to me obsessing less about my hair, and spending less time trying to style it (while of course concealing the fact that I look more like an alien than a human if I DON'T style it).
Dudes...WOW. I mean, look at what I just wrote. Are these the ravings of a sane person? Do you see what I'm dealing with here? A LUNATIC INHABITS MY BRAIN. Well, the good news is, there's at least a part of my brain that's AWARE of the lunatic that's sharing real estate up there.
What I'm getting at is...there's a part of me (the bigger part of me, unfortunately) that really does think I'm freakish looking, and that much in the way of illusion and deception must occur before I venture out in public. I hide my tiny head by puffing up my hair...I hide my freakish fat deposits by wearing certain types of clothing or undergarments. If I let people see me WITHOUT completing all my deceitful trickery, then I will be allowing people to witness a FREAK SHOW!
This HAS to be a mild form of BDD, no? I mean, I cannot TRULY be as fucked up as I think I am...I mean, I'm aware of how shallow, silly, unproductive, and self-centered this is. I DO know that, and I don't pretend that I'm any kind of victim. I know I have a good life, good friends, good family, and all the things that really matter in life. But man...I am dogged by this exaggerated sense of my own vileness. I'm trying to cut the shit...REALLY, I am.
